Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
